Dear Random People,
I have been on a blogging hiatus because my mother is very ill. I was straddling the fence on whether i would discuss what i have been going through or not.
About 3 weeks ago, I left my home to be at my mother’s bedside while she fought with death. Since my last post about her dialysis, she has been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, she caught an infection which they say turned into pneumonia. I left one day to have to come back to the hospital, to only find she was doing worse. The doctors didnt catch the fact that she had a stroke on her left side. After countless scans to her body, the results were that she did have a “big stroke” which left her paralyzed on her left side and 25% brain dead on her right side. I was trying to take a picture with her in case it was the last time i saw her living and realized that she couldn’t look straight at the camera or even smile. I was sad and angry at the same time.
I thought for sure that she was going out this world soon. The first week i came, i asked my mother if she had talked to her mother(my grandma who passed 2 years ago). Usually, i hear when people are about to die, they see loved ones. She said “no”. The second time i asked her was after she was recovering from her stroke. She replied that she had seen her mother, father, and sister. They apparently told her to go back because we were going to miss her a lot and her grand-kids would as well. I had to hide my tears, but she caught me crying anyway. My mom told me not to worry or cry, but that God said it was going to be okay. She smiled as if nothing was happening.
When i tell you that i was so stressed out, it has taken a huge toll on me. I had only four times that i could visit her in the ICU each day. In between those times i took care of my children. It was days when i wanted to pull my hair out and runaway..but i could not. The biggest affect was probably not on me, but my children. I had to say im going to the doctor for 3 weeks to my child and only to be asked “if i was coming back” and to be told “im not going anywhere”. It was humorous to have a almost 3 year old “tell” me, this grown adult, what to do, but saddening because my baby needed me too. It is the most challenging situation i have dealt with thus far. Thankfully, I had great people surrounding me with words and prayers of encouragement. I give thanks for family and friends being there.
My mom is still terminally ill and fighting for her life, as she is in the hospital eating the wrong foods and STILL yearning to smoke(yes, i know, its unbelievable). She has a strong conviction to live. She is most certainly going through changes now(whether its her good days of doing the 90’s Tootsie Roll in the bed, or throwing a bowl of grits at the wall) and i have to remind myself she is fighting with death to be here just a little longer, even when she is really snappy with me. I asked my God for a many things and he came through… Let my mom see/know that i graduated high school, college, had kids, to tell her good bye if she passed, to let her see her grand-kids if she passed, and now im just hoping she makes it to her 47th birthday this year in November. I make sure it tell her i love her every time now.
I’m currently home adjusting and continuing to pray for peace as i understand im not only going through this for myself, but for someone else that will be in my shoe as well… 🙂
How did you deal with death or someone about to pass in your life? Let me know your thoughts.
As always Like me on Facebook(Random Mixed Chick) and follow me on Twitter @Randommixedchk
Peace and Blessings,
Random Mixed Chick
She had lots of love this day<3