Dear Random People,
Well…. So much has changed since the last time you viewed my blog or post.
If you read my post in September “Our Journey with A Touch of Death” ( http://wp.me/p2o6zp-2l), everyone knows that i was openly discussing how sick my mother was with Stage 4 Lung Cancer and how she was in her last stages of dialysis as well. Besides being by her bedside for 3 consecutive weeks in August and September, my children and SO went to visit her again at the end of September. After we left, my mother got progressively worse and the doctors only took comfort measures, as i was told, to make life feel a little better. I tried countless times to call her, some failed and sometimes i could speak with her if she wasnt feeling so tired. The last time i spoke to my mother was October 9 as i was driving to Old Navy to buy a sweater for the fair later that night….Even with chaos and sadness, i was trying to have date night with my SO. I did get to speak to her as my uncle woke her up to talk to me. I told her “I love you” twice to make sure she heard me and she told me she loved me as well, but she had slurred speech and was very tired. For a moment i thought she had 2nd stroke, but i was wrong. Her body was shutting down at a constant rate now. I attempted to call her again on October 12 around 6:45 pm and 7:00 pm, after trying hard to call the days in between, but no answer from her in the hospital room. So, i called the nurses station and the nurse was discreetly warning me that she wasnt doing very good and that someone needed to come see about her. I kind of shrugged it off thinking i could wait at least a little longer until i could get more money, but time was not my side anymore. The doctor called me about 7:30 pm to tell me that my mother died a little before she called me. I was speechless. I felt like i could sense something going wrong because i started to think about her so much, my chest started hurting as i hugged my child. All i could tell him was i loved him before the doctor called me. I did what anybody would do and cried hard, then got myself together because i had to leave.
My SO, my kids, and myself rushed to the hospital( in another city). Usually the hospital only allows the body to be in the room for about 4 hours; they made an exception to me because i was traveling. When i saw her she looked the same sort of, but without soul. My aunts and uncles were there in the room to visit as well. Her body was cold and stiff, but i didnt even care. I would have hugged her lifeless if it meant having her back. I have never really been so close to a dead person and oddly enough, it didnt bother me to be around her. I even walked back into the room by myself to talk to her as her soul could only listen. Im grateful that my aunts came to see about her the day before she died. They gave her a bath, even when the nurses at the hospital would not, and fed her a little. Come to think about it, she left this world eating a pizza and drinking pepsi when we came to visit her in September after she told me that she would show me that she could order it against my wishes. 🙂
We buried her the following Friday. It was a long process that i never want to repeat again. I kept myself together at the wake until the end when the priest began to pray. I let myself go; I wanted her to come back to me so we can start over, spend more time together, and argue about her moving up here with me. The graveside services was the same, but a reality really setting in that she is not coming back to me. Im glad i had tons of family support and friend support on that day. It made me happy to see relatives that i havent seen in a while and one’s i had never met.
The one thing that gave me internal peace the most was when my friend, myself, and my uncle were standing some distance away from the grave diggers putting her body in the ground, this beautiful monarch butterfly came flying near me. My uncle said that it was my mother. Usually im a skeptic of things, but it happened again. The diggers were almost done with dirt process while we all stood about 5 feet away from her grave. The same butterfly came flying by my head again. I researched what all that meant and some say when this happens it is the soul of the departed person telling the grieving person that they are okay. I hope that was her and i hope what i read was true.
Since the funeral, I have had some strange things happen in my home. Just recently, i was alone in my room doing a class project and the hairs on my forearm stood up. Only in the spot and it almost felt like it was a touching sensation. Then, the next night, im sitting alone in the living room watching tv and out the corner of my eye my child’s sock literally jumps off the couch. I was a little shocked, but started to pray to God and asked if it was anything evil to rebuke it and spoke out loud to my mom that if it was her to not scare me, but to allow me to keep seeing the butterfly for the moment. I wasnt as scared as was before because im spiritually stronger before all this happened to me and now. My perspective is that death and even spirits are just a part of life.
I miss my mother so much and nothing in life can prepare you for this feeling and process. Im a planner by nature and thought even while she was sick i told myself that im going to toughen up and understand in my mind that she is going to die, while having this kind of stoic expression going on. I was grieving before she died because of the idea. All i can do now is miss her, listen to old voice mails, and watch videos of her doing the “tootsie roll” in the hospital bed. One thing for sure is that my mom had a sense of humor, strong will to live, and a will to do as she pleased because she told everyone she was not going in a nursing home- and she did just that. That’s a tough woman!
Anyone who is out there with a sick parent and the prognosis is that they may not have long to live…..give them the foods that they want, spend time with them all day and night, pray with them them, entertain them, and most importantly love them and laugh with them because in the end you go back and wonder just how much of their precious earthly time you savored before they depart.
With all this being said…stayed tuned for new weekly, or even daily, post about me changing my health and doing something about my weight… 🙂
Peace and Blessings,
Random Mixed Chick