I have been debating a few topics to add and post about, yet again. I battle a lot internally with judgement of others towards me…mainly based on society, yet I’m constantly reiterating “my experiences are meant to help others”. This is all true.
I was hesitant, but was pulled to this meme on Facebook on Easter day and if I would have been standing and emotionally in my feelings…my legs would’ve have buckled and i would have folded like a lawn chair…That’s how deep that meme was to me. I even sent the text to friends…like Bruhhhhhhhh… I was a damn Easter Egg…just blowed at how keen the analogy was. Quite humorous… I laughed..no lie. Hey, it is what it is.
Keep in mind, several days prior I posted many status updates implying about my life(which are still my experiences) and how one could better themselves…and not walk the same path. It’s an emotionally draining path and it’s not for the faint-hearted at times.
I own my past, present, and future.
So Fuck it. Here goes…. I was an “Easter Egg” a.k.a (side chick…gasp!) with a guy (let me fix that….some guys in my past…technically 5, if I’m going to be honest)
I’ve been meaning to hit on this topic for quite a while, but realized that it just wasn’t the right time. Timing is key, as you know.
I could write this post any type of way….and trust me, I have thought about it long and hard…and even consulted my “spiritual mother”, as I would call her.
Here it goes…..
Years ago, I was fresh out a long term relationship and desiring to be free and liberated. So, because I felt suppressed sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally that just fueled that desire. I had the options to leave a relationship of 5 or so years, but was too insecure to leave. I came up with every excuse under the sun and moon as to why I couldnt leave. *eye roll* Now, I felt free to do whatever I wanted and with whom I wanted…and no one could tell me shit. I wasn’t in a relationship,so “I’m” not cheating nor am i hurting anyone. Dangerous place to be in, eh? Yes, I know. Would I cheat on my boyfriend, or future husband? No. I say that because with all these gathered experiences I share with him…He either accepts me, or he doesn’t. Furthermore, I plan to marry my “best friend” and for me…that means he will be compatible to me in every area of our lives! We’re going to have fun!!! 😉
I met Rainy Day Guy #1 at work. Can’t remember all the details, but I know that I was attracted to him way before he even said he was married. Keep in mind, I had never in my life desired to do anything to break, or be in the middle of someone’s shit. It truly wasn’t how I was raised. Unfortunately, when you become an adult, you’re faced with lustful, immoral decisions at times. I was acting out of pure lust. We had sex several times, but I remember distinctly balling up in fetal position and feeling disgusted with myself for doing this with this man in one of those times…who I know only cared for me at least 10%. I even researched ways to be a “side chick” because hell, in my mind, if I was going to do it, I might as well get something out of it…and what better way to commit to something by studying it. I was a novice, so it didn’t work so well. Rainy Day guy #1 eventually faded away. I vowed to not get entangled in this mess ever again.
Think I could resist….?
Next, we have Slick Talking Guy #2. He was fresh and smooth talking. I met him by chance off a dating site. I was enamored in how he had mental substance and he was funny. At this time, I was coming into my sexuality, likes/dislikes, and my tolerance of BS. He was open, it seemed, and accepted me for who I was.(probably so he could fill his desire). Yet, I was still hidden…like an Easter egg. Hindsight, I was still uncomfortable physically and emotionally, but I was using me coming into my new self as “courage”. I finally started checking myself…I finally started to feel what being “used up” felt like. I didn’t like it. It felt repulsive. What I truly wanted was affection after sex. I enjoyed cuddling and walking around butt naked…being free that way.
Yoo-hoo…..Self…are you in there? Is this really the type of shit you want to continue to attract?
The idea is that you are what you attract. If you keep doing dishonest things, then you will continue down that path and continue to attract low vibrating people of that nature. I, again, was a willing participant in someone’s cheating.
Holy Moly guy #3…..very interesting guy. I met him at his job on a day I felt that I looked like a mess. Yet, he still passed me his number…advancing his own cheating will upon me. I didn’t find out he was married until several text down the line. I was bold. I asked him questions about his wife….being nosey. My intentions at that point were to try to understand how the hell you could be married and desire to cheat? Don’t you marry your best friend? How do you lose desire for someone just like that? I, jokingly, suggested marriage counseling and he refused. He wanted me and the sexual advances and play on words got me. The thing is, is that they don’t lose desire fully to be with their partners. They just feel like they need some in addition to- ass. Some may have problems….I don’t know, but I was again, a damn participant later on-again!!!
I know you’re thinking…”damn, you aren’t tired of being used, or being a “whore”yet? Yes, yes I was.
Holy Moly guy was a conversationalist. Before we even delved into sex, we conversed about everything under the sun and moon. It seemed that we could talk at any time-the wife wasn’t a factor so much. Our conversation was sooooooo diverse. I longed for someone of substance who I can converse with. Our conversations literally looped for hours. I was told he couldn’t even talk to his wife that long….I wasn’t stupid to fall for that lie. However, it did appease my ego. Ego….it will get you in a lot of trouble. By now, I stopped feeling bad and taking on their feelings of cheating. I felt that they were going to do it anyway…why should I feel guilty? Now, as I look back, that wasn’t right. Yet, this was my experience.
#4……oh #4…we’re going to call him Pizza Guy. I’ve known Pizza Guy since college. We were supposed to have sex back then, but again, timing was off. He would have been the 2nd person I ever would have had sex with, but I was scared. #1 . That post breakup feeling you have after your “first love” will make you not want to move on. #2. I wasn’t use to a big*ahem* penis…just yet. I couldn’t handle that. What was I going to do with 7-8 inches of sausage?? Not a damn thing, I was scared as hell. We eventually ended up working together…still timing was off…he ended up being married several years later…and when he came to me in the present day…he conveyed to me that he was getting a divorce, moving out, blah blah blah…..Of none I really didn’t give a damn about. I knew what he wanted…I remembered back then what he was working with….I’ll leave that to your own imagination.
By now, I was in tune with feelings of others and their energies. The first time sex happened…just say it wasn’t what I expected. His energy was very jittery and all over the place. I knew in my mind…if I have sex with him….I’ll be taking on his energy too…do you really want that? Not really…But wait, of course I did it. Regretted it at the time. It just plain out and simple didn’t feel “right”. I lost communication after 2-3 times of interactions with him. He has tried to make a reappearance several times…I just couldn’t allow it.
See the cycle…? It comes down to self-inflicting torture when going through these experiences. Last, but not least…Mr. Fix It #5
Mr. Fix It #5 was different. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about worldly topics a lot and he always thought he was right about everything. Which tells me what is going on in the household. His wife more than likely over-talks him in arguments, so realistically you’re going to mimic the same behaviors with people on the “side”. It just is what it is. Deep down, I know this is a good guy who genuinely loves to help and be of some assistance. He was always there for me and I believe would do anything for me. He showed me who I did and didn’t want in a man. Keep in mind, I was faithful to the unfaithful in these experiences…meaning… I was literally on the side to my lonesome every time. Talk about lonely ass feelings. I was in my feeling many days and nights because those lingering questions and thoughts arise. “How long are you going to do this for?”, or “He’s just using you, damn, stop falling for the game”.
My Ideal Mate….
I want a guy I can call at any time if I’m sad or happy about an event in my life. I want to make love to him at 2 am and fall back to sleep in his arms…roll over with funky morning breath…and say “good morning” to him. I want to have naked days on off days and “Netflix and Chill” his sexy ass All. Day.Long! I want to be able to fall into his arms when I have anxiety.
I can probably call Mr. Fix It to this day and in the future and he will fix anything I have going on around my home…and financially help me. Ive look at him sometimes and wonder if he’s happy…keep in mind, I am perfecting my skills of reading people off emotions. I often wonder if cheating for him will be a life-long “thing to do”.
In reality, none of them will ever leave their wives (I have never asked… I played my part). I often wonder about the wives…their intuition and history of staying ….and playing their part.
See, we all have a part. We all have a lesson to learn.
“Life is the experience”. – Hathor Sekhmet El
Unfortunately, I had to keep learning mine…over and over again…like…5 times over again….
For men cheating… Are you really upholding your vows to your wives? Are you really being honest about your sexual likes and dislikes? Have you really sat down and listened to her…and maybe for a second thought to yourself…am I really considering her feelings…and not pushing them back in a box…? She’s not nagging…she’s hurt and wants change…how can I fix it?
For Women staying…Are you being honest with yourself and your partner about your likes/dislikes? Are you doing the same things to keep him as you were doing to get him? Stop using sex as a weapon. Your pussy, vagina, Yoni…it has great power, but don’t use it as a weapon against him. Communication? Can you converse and listen? You need to know too…You don’t deserve to accommodate any man if you have the slightest notion that he is messing up you all’s relationship. Know your worth. Know when to walk away.
For the Mistress/Side Chick/ Whore/Friend in the middle (…the list is endless)….Do you know your worth? Do you know that, you too, are a prized gift? Stop offering yourself and energy away so freely. Tame that little ass and meet a single guy, or if another setup is your thing…such as polygamy, open three-some’s or polyamory….no judgement to the different lifestyles, then rock that way.
I learned that married men can genuinely care for you, but never will take it to the lengths that some believe will happen…like leaving their wives, or giving you what you think you deserve. If they do, don’t consider yourself lucky, the same way that you got him, will be the same way that you lose him. That’s karma. It is what it is. You might get a few bills paid, a car, credit card paid off, jewelry, or clothing. The question is, is this really your worth? Are you going to accept being a willing participant? Are you going to adhere to certain hours that he can come out to “play?” I choose not to be faithful to the unfaithful.
I beat and battered myself long enough dwelling on this. Mostly because I have friends who make posts about “side chicks” and “hoes”…I think to myself, man I know you, but does the “amen choir” you have known you? Being judgmental gets one nowhere. I was wrong for my behavior. I am not asking for forgiveness and I know I may be judged. I own my past, present, and future. I’ve always known had to go through experiences to help and enrich other people’s lives. I know what I want now and it’s unfortunate and moderately disgraceful to hurt other people along the way. So, being an “Easter egg”… hidden from the world is no different. It was fun while it lasted, but you have to get off that roller coaster ride at some point….
Peace and Blessings,
Random Mixed Chick