My Child Called Me Old…What is “That” Anyway?!? Entering the “30” Club!

Damn…Kids say the darndest thing! <insert eye rolls> I’m not even going to lie…my poor, little heart sunk in my ass for a second….each…and…every…damn…time that I say, “Hey, I’m turning 30”. *Pulls braids* I’m not old, I reply, “I was in my early twenties when i had you….”

I’m not nervous about turning 30 the least bit. Want to know what I’m scared as hell about for real though?!?? Student…fucking…loans! Yep, my time is up. I’m on the fast track to  paying those “things” back ASAP. *groans* Can someone just GIVE me that exorbitant amount in a check already please? LOL

But, seriously…I’m excited. I can say I’m the real deal grown now…I wont seem like the baby out of the group… *Opens arms* I’m welcoming you 30!!

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Learning Moments….

I have learned that time isn’t waiting…do all the fun things that your heart has desired~ Live for you~ You can only control yourself…you can’t control BF’s, friends, or husbands/wives~People are going to do what you allow them to do~ Say no sometimes~ Help someone~ Do charity work to remind yourself of humility~Love on your kids or spouse!~ Take lots of bubble baths with wine…yes, lots.~ Research ideas and understand how it’s related to your life~ Take meaningful trips~ Have alone time~ Ladies, wait guys out sometimes…and experience a 1 night stand, if that’s your thing( we will all do it one day)~Tell someone when they are wrong and right~ Love and appreciate your parents or loved one’s~ Choose peace over chaos, but “knuck and buck” if you have too(“ain’t nobody got time for that”)~ Love yourself unconditionally~ Smile…you never know who is watching~  🙂

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My list is endless….

These are just some things i started doing later in my twenties, when i decided to stop living for other people and began to live for myself. I’m doing me and doing what I want. It’s so much more peaceful… 🙂

Can we get old together and rich in experiences? 🙂

What life lessons can you reflect on before entering the “30” Club?

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

 

Bag of Tears

Greeting Family!

I’m back again…like I said I would be with more blog posts! Last night, I shared with you all my Redemption and Self-worth post about being a mistress aka an “Easter Egg”.

This is going to be a heavy post because I have been sitting on these feelings for a while.

                                                                                So….

My mother passed in October 2012. Although I was there for her while she was ill, it still didn’t change the fact that she was physically about to expire. Nothing or no one can prepare anyone for death. Of course, I was in an ever changing spiritual state of questioning life and death back then. More importantly, where do souls go since we’re made up of energy? No Christian (my faith at the time) could tell me. Now, I realized that I didn’t properly mourn her death. 2013 was rough as hell! So much was going on…death, surviving undergrad/grad school, my break up, stress(which turned into me having alopecia in 2014), and navigating being a single mother.

Death really became a new beginning.

I was semi-suicidal and depressed. I was a foster child, so I already didn’t have my mom around for most of my pre-teen and teenage years. I debated killing myself several times. For what? I thought it would fix the pain, but I am glad that I realized I would be inflicting so much involuntary agony towards my family.  During this gloomy time, I stopped talking to family and friends. I dropped out of grad school…I felt too depressed to finish. I had heightened relationship issues with my kid’s father that seemed to magnify after her death. The issue was that I didn’t know how to properly mourn. Does anyone ever though?

Sad excuses because I’m supposed to be a big girl, right?

January through March 2013, I finally mourned her. I finally let go of the pain of watching her on a breathing machine and hearing that “death rattle”…that’s when your lungs fill with fluid. I let go of burdens dealing with her being in another city having to catch the bus in the rain, while being weak coming from dialysis. I regret that. I am literally shamefully sobbing right now. I was fucked up.  I fucked up! I was so busy living in another city, being a mom, being a live-in GF to a guy who didn’t seem to appreciate me (but shit, did I even appreciate myself?), graduating undergrad, going to grad school, trying to balance bills and be “grown”, and still travel up and down the highway to see her when her other kids couldn’t make it.

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Watching her life deteriorate before my eyes was by far the hardest shit I’ve ever had to go through. Sitting by her thinking of all those times I was a smart ass to her…thinking about all those times I could have hugged her, or came to see her more. Or hell, moved my kid’s father out and moved her into my home just spend a little more time with her.

I’ll tell you this…that woman was a Scorpio Rebel! Side note… she and my daughter’s birthdays are a day apart. She was supposed to share a birthday with my daughter, but the C-section didn’t go as planned and….she got on my nerves that day, so I asked God to not let my daughter be born on her birthday…ughh. Yes, I know petty. I am sorry mama.

Getting back on task here…

This heifer came on the Greyhound bus a year, or so prior…2 hours from our birthplace to TELL me (didn’t ask,) she was moving in with me….transferred her doctors and dialysis to move up here. I met her at the Greyhound station and told her she had to go back. When I look back, I question myself if I even deserved her love and affection she was trying to give me. She still loved me anyway and looked past all the bullshit that I was giving her. I was too focused on trying to work out that dead ass relationship with my kid’s dad over building another with her.  STOP RESURRECTING DEAD ASS RELTIONSHIPS! This random man told me, and I’ll never forget in that Greyhound station, that I will never get another mother and to treat her right.

Did I take his advice? No, it fell on deaf ears until she was on her death bed.

Fast forward to 2014 to mid-2015/2016….I began going overboard with the piercings, mostly, and tattoos. I was swimming in a puddle of pain…straight drowning actually. I love my tats and piercings… and I still believe its self-expression, but in reality, I was self-mutilating some pain away as well. Again, this was around the time of me exploring my sexuality and being a mistress as well(ending part of 2014 thru mid 2015… I was in a relationship…just needed to add). I was in a ton of emotional shit. Do you feel me? Now that I think about it, every time I was emotionally rejected through those months…I got a piercing. The over abundance of piercings really began to happen often in 2015…I have had/have just about all types of piercings 😉

Another side note…

I’m spiritually being nudged to tell you all about that time my mom came to visit me for Christmas. I had just revived that dead ass break up with my kids father, before the “big break up”, in 2011 going into 2012. I was pregnant with my son and my daughter was about 2 or 3…I treated my mom so bad. I was scared that I was pregnant, scared that I made the wrong decision to even have sex with him. God, I literally had a panic attack in the bathroom. Thoughts raced through my mind…”what if he leaves me” or “how am I going to finish college and work on $7.25 hour paycheck?” It was little the things that annoyed me during that time. God, I would like a do-over.

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Consistent cycles….

Every year…at the beginning of the year, I literally go through depression, suicidal thoughts, and now, anxiety. I have probably always had anxiety and just pinpointed what it was.

This year was no different. Only difference was that I hadn’t gotten any new piercings in 2017. I don’t have much left to pierce, truth be told. This year I broke down in my employers bathroom crying…walking back in and out of the office…to go unnoticed…that I was really battling with some emotions inside. I was fucked up, for a lack of a better statement. I had taken all that I felt I could take. I wrote my “tribe” a letter saying this is it. I’ll make a will and to please take care of my kids. Of course, being the kind family that they are…they reached out. I explained that I missed my mom, life is stressful, and my job is just shaky. I couldn’t leave anyway…who would be here to help heal others, or love on my kids like me, or even to be that optimistic person in a room full of naysayer’s and Debbie Downers? I have to stay. My mission would be incomplete.

Self-Evaluation…..

I finally realized what I was going through. It is called a “deathversary”. It is when you become emotional around the months that your loved one passed. My aunt helped me figure it out. I wasn’t crazy…this is normal behavior. Anxiety isn’t a joke. You’re one cry away from leaving your natural life at times.

Are you struggling too?

What has to be done…is that you have to doing something fun, or doing something in their remembrance around that time. For me, I’d probably get a massage somewhere to relax and be around people who care for my well-being…who can speak life into my situation and emotions. Say affirmations. Grounding yourself at the park in the grass…dig your feet into the earth. Hug a tree. Mediate in nature. We’re going to make it!

I am not alone. You are not alone. We are loved. We can overcome anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Mourning is natural. I talk to my mom out loud because I know her soul visits me. Her energy comforts me when I’m sad. That hell raising Scorpio wouldn’t ever leave me!

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The best thing to happen to me was being a mom to a silly Cancer boy and a little Scorpio baby girl. She is so much like me…and my mom. We’re all funny in a weird, quirky way. I’ll share this again…The night my mom passed; I was filling out her paper work to go into hospice. She wasn’t having that. She didn’t want to go in a place like that. That heifer died before she went into a hospice care center! LOL But…that night when I got off the phone with her doctor…I know I felt my mom’s spirit flow through me. I reached for my babies kneeling in the kitchen…hugging them so tight…telling them that I loved them. They couldn’t comprehend at that moment. I couldn’t understand what I was doing. She was telling me goodbye and that she loved me…and she always felt like my brother and I were my kids. So, now, as I write this and watch my 2 Peas as they rest…I get to look at them in amazement every night as they sleep in my bed…just thinking…damn, my mama looked at us the same way! That thought keeps me content.

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

It Could Be You……

Hello Beauties!   It’s 4 a.m. and Im awake! My daughter woke me up….because she had an “accident” the bed. She is 5 years old and she typically doesnt have accidents, but when she does, I usually get upset.

My logic is that maybe if she sees my disapproval about it, then maybe she will try hard to just get up. Sometimes kids forget and you have to limit how much they drink before bed. I can say that I have become very accustomed to not having to get up and change diapers, or bed sheets any longer….so long are those days! But, no…. It happens. I actually caught myself this morning….I told her what she needed to do since SHE wet the bed…take the sheets off and change her clothes….Of course she was unable to do it. I am Mom…and she is accustommed to me doing the dirty work 🙂

After I was done washing her sheets, God spoke to me softly when i got back in my bed and I realized…. 1. This could be me in my Silver years 2. Just help her because you love her…dont make her ashamed of what she has done. can you imagine being old in adult diapers while having your children have to change you just for them to scold you and say, “Didnt i tell you not to pee on yourself, Mom?” How sad and ashamed you would feel. Im not going to do that to her again and Im going to apologize to her when she wakes up in the morning…because it as just an “accident” and it could be me….

These are the moments that help me the most while on this Journey to being the best mom…EVER! Sometimes you need reminding how much of a child you are in your adult life. You were once ther too…wetting the bed..:) Lesson Learned …..

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

This had me thinking as well….. Enoy the poem…I got it from my Facebook timeline…

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“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way … remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day… the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you … my darling daughter.” Original text in Spanish and photo by Guillermo Peña. Translation to English by Sergio Cadena

Do As I Say…and As I Do!! :)

Hello Beauties!

A comment that I put on my last post inspired me to write this one…

 

Kids are so impressionable at any age, but truly when they are under ten year old, in my opinion. They are so observant and listen closely to your every word…even when you think they are not….! I know you have faked sleep once, or twice when your parents, or parents friend were having a “grown folks conversation”…..Ummmm hummmm. 🙂 We all did it…we were all inquisitive….and still really are… For example…there is an accident pulled over to the median. What do we all naturally do? We stare for as long as our wheel and brakes will allow us to AND we may even roll down the window. So, we all want to know something.

I grew up in the 80-90’s, so McDonald’s and Burger King were a treat..we didn’t eat there everyday. In 2015, its far from a treat. It is a death sentence by choice. Sarcastically speaking, I’m unsure if the salad is even healthy. If you choose to partake in it, eat it in so much moderation that you’re barely eating it at all! My family cooked at home and I cant say that I always wanted it, but if I got hungry enough, then it was eaten. Not many people are cooking at home and when they shop for groceries, they head for the middle aisles…where are the sugary, gooey treats are…Then you have parents who are just getting off work and are tired..I get it. *raises hand* I am too. I have alarms set…here is my schedule:

5:30 a.m. Wake up. Get work out clothes on and kids clothes on

6 a.m. Feed the kids

6:25 a.m. Heading to daycare * thank God they are open this early*

6:35 a.m. Drive to the park

6:45 a.m. MaymyRun and Pandora…locked and loaded

7:30 a.m. 2 miles around park….maybe step runs once or twice..Done.

7:45 a.m. Doing either arm exercise, tummy, or back workouts

8:15 a.m. Getting ready for work

6:45 p.m. Working out with the kids at the park again

IT’S A CHOICE!

I’m becoming disciplined because you wouldn’t get me up that early to save your own life 🙂 Now, I can! 🙂

You have to re-route your food choices. Only shop for foods on the outside areas. Fruits/Veggie section will ALWAYS be my first place to go. Then, Meat section…followed by Dairy area. Until i learn how to make my own sauces, etc..that’s when i will stay off those aisles. My kids watch me…they see what kind of fruits we ingest…they even watch my exercise…I make it so important that it becomes important to them. It so good for me because I ask random people running up the stairs if they want to race, so it becomes fun for everyone. I don’t care if i look foolish…its about living! Sometimes i give them kid version of being healthy and then some days I give them NC-17 version…For example: “If you eat fast food all the time, you will become over weight…like me…and you will be unhappy…like me…and you will have a plethora of diseases attached to you…UNLESS you make the CHOICE to eat better”. I explain, that mean eating fresh fruits and vegetables, trying green smoothies, sticking to a strict carb intake. I’m learning that food tastes good, but Im not going to scarf down so much that I’m sick because I’m choosing to binge eat. And you know…that is actually a disorder.

Parents: Set great examples…it costs less than you think to eat healthy… You can get out of Walmart with pineapples, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, kale, spinach, and even tomatoes…with about $25-30. That is the same amount that you would spend on one meal full of junk. Do better so our kids can do better. Diabetes is real…and I have it. I don’t want my kids to have it and deal with what I’m putting myself through when I CHOOSE to binge eat. I had a blood sugar at 300-400…my body is use to, but I’m damaging organs and nerves in the process. In this past week alone, I have managed to get my blood sugar down to 92- 115. I’m amazed and i rechecked….because i though the meter was lying…* as if it can talk back*.

Were going to do this together…..No one gets left behind!!

I’m challenging everyone to walk 2 miles a day in the park for at least 3 days. Eat 2 more vegetables and fruits in replace of a starch like mashed potatoes, or pasta. 🙂

I believe in you 🙂

Peace and Blessings,

 

Random Mixed Chick

My Loves racing.... this is a still shot them...my DD beats my son :)

My Loves racing…. this is a still shot of them…my DD beats my son 🙂

 

DIY: S’mores!!!

Hey Friends!

Last night the kiddos and I made S’mores for the first time! A chick had to get really creative since we clearly could not blaze a campfire where we live. 🙂 So…i used the next best thing….the stove. Believe it or not, the stove really works…AND….will also light the marshmallows on fire, too. To say the least, their eyes lit up with excitement. Below is a picture of our DIY S’more project…Enjoy 😛

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“Train A Child Up In The Way That He Should Go”

“No!!!!, But I dont wanna’!”, exclaimed random child. The mother is thinking to herself, “How embarrassing, let me just make it out the store dear (whatever your Maker’s name is)!”, as she becomes flushed in the face. I’m sure if youre parent, then at least one time you have experienced your child saying that to you-in a public place.  Why is it that kids always want to “act up”, as my parents would say, in public? Do they believe that their actions will go unscathed and be forgettable just because they are around others? Nope. Not at all.

 

I write this because I have recently had this experience with my “Beans” in a public. It just seems that they know when to turn it on :). I AM the one about speeches-at home, or in my car, especially to my eldest. “Now, when you get in (business name), I want you to behave, say yes maam/sir, and Dont touch anything-that youre not supposed to touch”. There is a 50% failure rate; kids will be kids.

So, here are some ways that you can “train” your child(ren) in a sense before, during, and, after departing from home.

 

Tip #1: Have a game-plan of what youre going to do if your kids have melt-down. I usually “try” to carry fruit, or some type of snack on hand. Treats do the trick! As long as they are occupied with something when will they have time to do anything else, right? Just bring lots…and if you want to kick it up a notch-healthy treats. I’m going to begin getting my ideas from Pinterest.

 

Tip#2: Youre at the check-out line at your local grocer….and a melt down is coming? Dont freak out…start playing hand games with your kids. I play “Up High, Down Low” and a tickle game. Who cares if they are hysterical laughing, just as long as they arent hysterical crying, right?

 

Tip#3: If it has gone way past the snacks and games and they arent feeling that either, then its time to get “let me whisper in your ear” close because were about to have “coming to Jesus(whatever your maker’s name is)” moment nearby. You now to have your strong poker face on(I’m working on it because I give in to soon 🙂 )

 

Tip#4: Dont take, give rewards. As parents, its so easy to make threats to take items away, but does it ever really work all the time? Nope. I have been there and done this. I recently had this advice given to me, so thats why I feel its so important to share. Rewarding isnt about bribing, its about making sure he/she obeys their parents. Children love to please. If my kids know that doing what I asked them to do gets them a high-five’s, that means the world to them because their deeds have Not gone unnoticed. Of course, youre going to have to up the ante as your children grow.

 

 

 

I hope my tips help with your next meltdown! 🙂

 

 

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Peace and Blessings,

 

Random Mixed Chick

 

Weight Loss Journey Part 7

Good Day Beautiful Soul’s! 🙂 Hope everyone had a great weekend.

My weekend was getting more posts together for you lovely chicks and dudes, while catching up on some classwork online.

So far I lost 5 pounds and that is a great start -for me. 🙂 It’s not huge, but I know it will be more in a 2-3 months. Especially if I continue my exercise regime and using my “Strict Diabetic Diet” guidelines per my Endocrinologist, which are basically that I eat (3) meals a day that consist only of 45 grams of Carbs and (2) snacks that are under 15 grams of Carbs. This seems very strict, but it is actually something that even non-diabetic people should follow. In America, we tend to overeat and be overweight/obese because of the portions that we eat. Keep in mind to that if you do not READ the Nutrition labels, watching those calories and carbs will do no justice. Who wants high blood pressure and water weight?

Here is a challenge when you go out to eat with friends or family:

Either share your meal and split the bill, or if it is just toooooo’ good to share, then ask for your “To-go” box when your food comes out and save some for lunch, or dinner tomorrow. It’s hard, but I’m going to do it and I want you to do it with me. Some diseases ARE preventable and being at the unhappy weight you are now is sometimes preventable.

My biggest challenge is emotional eating and being ashamed of it. I have had that issue even growing up in high school, but then i was so good at hiding it, or being in activities daily at school that I was able to keep my weight from going up so far. I was listening to family members who would tell me how fat I was and how big my legs were and for that very same reason today I admire those women who are in shape with “big booty’s and big thighs”. I want to keep mine and happy with that part of me. Now, I have a man, kids, school, relationships with friends and family, and hell- LIFE. We all know that can be stressful. 🙂 My life currently is dealing with proving to myself and family that I am capable of having a successful career, the ups and downs of maintaining a HEALTHY relationship with my Significant Other,and- while sometimes dealing with the emotion of my mom dying almost 4 months ago. That makes me want to eat everything ALL day, Every day. I and you, if youre dealing with emotional eating, have to find other positive ways to deal with the situation. Sometimes I blog, as Im doing now, to keep urges at bay. 🙂

On another note, while on Metformin, it is definitely helping me with my urges to eat if i take it while eating at dinner(5-6ish PM). I have felt like i couldnt put anything else to my mouth on this medication, which is a good thing for me. The not so nice thing about this medication is that you better be near a bathroom at least 30-60 min after you eat..Im serious. ;P

It has made me nauseous sometimes and leaves this weird taste in mouth similar to the one i had when i was pregnant. Those things do not mix. LOL. My blood sugars have been running pretty good with the lowest being 96 in the morning and the highest around lunch at 173, and that’s because i ate two bowls of Corn Flakes w/ regular sugar. Yep, not so good. Other than that Im getting a better grip on controlling my numbers. Now i just need a variety of foods to eat to satisfy my appetite.

I hope this post today has helped someone out there and if you ever need to talk about your emotional eating, email me at randommixedchick@gmail.com or leave me a comment below.

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

Here is a photo of me at about 212 lbs. almost 2 weeks ago after working out at the gym.

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