Living my “3” Year= 30th Bday

I love playing around with Numerology. I have found that when adding up my bday and the year I’m in now, I’m living a “3” life at the moment. Plus, so many synchronicities… in my life related to the “3”. By the way…It’s Taurus Season!!!!

So, let’s begin….

I add 5+9+1+9+8+7= 39, 3+9= 12, 2+1=3 my birth life path numbers are 39/12/3…Creative Cooperation

I add 5+9+2+0+1+7= 24, 2+4=6, this year is  also a 24/6….Vision & Acceptance

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39/12/3 means according to my book,  The Life You Were Born To Live by Dan Millman, my life path says “m here to work through, issues of creativity, cooperation, and integrity, expressing themselves through creative teamwork, aligned with higher wisdom”…”abundant creative energy”….”highly emotional and intuitive”…”hypersensitive”. “Once they overcome self-doubt and step forward into the world with their unique combination of talents and drives, their fortunes will rise to the occasion”. Living a “3” life path number…. “People born under this Number are ambitious and they usually have a very strong will. Most of them are quite busy about their careers, for many people that that are born with Number 3 it may be not easy to accept a subordinate position. They know what it means – to have power and they know how to use it. These people always have enough energy to make their dreams come true, they rarely doubt and they do not like the other to be uncertain. People of Number 3 are usually building great plans, because they know how to implement them.”

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I’ve had self-doubt so often in my life… I still deal with it. The great part about it is, so does everyone else. I’m never alone in that. I had doubt airing my dirty laundry, but i feel much more free because I’m getting to express myself through writing….and I’m getting great responses from it all. I was nervous of judgement of things related to spirituality, healing, and magick. Other people try to project their fear on you when they don’t understand. I’ve always been into these things, but i couldn’t step fully into my calling until i went through my phases/ascensions. Understanding duality of life. I can be that voice to say “hey, i’ve been on both sides…this is what it’s like!” I just have to say, God, I’m so grateful! It brings you to a level of judging less, but giving more insight. Helping, healing….

Healer

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I was supposed to be a healer. Back in 4th/5th grade, my mom and my step dad were arguing and fighting(as usual), but thing that changed that day was when she almost died. I don’t take credit for saving her life. She was banging on the a glass window, trying to get my step dad’s attention as he rode off with his friend…Her arm with through the window and she began to bleed every where….she staggered to the back of the house, bleeding everywhere. My brothers and i were shocked. I had to think quick. I knew that if we had a cut to add pressure, so i hollered for my brothers to get me towels and the phone. I wrapped them around her arm to cover the main vein aka the Basilic Vein. She was already a Caucasian woman, but she was even more white. I thought she was going to die. Im sure in the midst of it all i called 911. They ended up taking her to the hospital. I was left to do damage control…I had to mop up the blood. It was a lot. I cant remember my step dad showing back up and cant remember him going to the hospital. Hopefully he did.

After that experience, I made sure that my path was planned for me to be a RN or Vet. I thought to myself, if i can help save my own mothers life, then surely i can help others.

Life takes a several turns….

Well, I’m not a RN yet…i have several decades to get through, but i did graduate with a Communication degree hence I’m here writing now with debt! LOL I was told by a spiritual advisor that I can heal in other ways…so now I’m putting more energy into my blog, candle making, and doing oracle readings. I’m on a mission to heal!

24/6

Im also in a “6” year! Its about Vision and Acceptance. I’m here to ” work through perfectionism, process, and responsibility, taking life one step at a time, manifesting my vision in practical ways, and accepting the inherent perfections of life”. Living a “6” year… ”  While the 6 is considered the most harmonious of all single-digit numbers, it is not without its flaws and upsets. The most important influence of the 6 is its loving and caring nature. Properly nicknamed the motherhood number, it is all about sacrificing, caring, healing, protecting and teaching others. No family or community can function without the power of the 6 to keep them together and safe. She is the glue that keeps a family or community together. “

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

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Lemons of Life

Im sitting here in my bed on this Sunday, simply looking over life, my weekend-as it is coming to a close, and how peaceful I am with my kids today. We’re all doing our own thing in the house today. Im blasting my Pandora track That’s What I Like by Bruno Mars and Erykah Badu….just vibing as a write! Loving these feelings. I have to think, I am so grateful. I don’t have much material things as the richest person, but I’m not “piss poor” as they would say in the South either. I’m so grateful that I can lay in a bed and even write this for you to read now. Amazing!

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I’m running my hands over these keys on the keyboard…thinking, damn I have been through so much stuff in my life. It went from alcoholic parents, parents fighting, ending up in DHR, navigating through foster homes and a group home, moving out of the system, graduating high school and college, having kids, resurrecting dead ass relationships, mother passing, my spiritual journey, and finding self-which is an adventure in itself! I made it through…I’m literally here….2 days shy of 30 years!

Those lemons of life could have broken me with their sour asses, but I made pink lemonade baby! I’m here and thriving!!

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Be encouraged. Find your path and know that those problems are only temporary…they are lessons. That’s it. It’s okay if you buckle a few times, but get back up! Don’t think no one else falls either…we’re all trying to make it. Know that you are loved! I love you!

 

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

Bag of Tears

Greeting Family!

I’m back again…like I said I would be with more blog posts! Last night, I shared with you all my Redemption and Self-worth post about being a mistress aka an “Easter Egg”.

This is going to be a heavy post because I have been sitting on these feelings for a while.

                                                                                So….

My mother passed in October 2012. Although I was there for her while she was ill, it still didn’t change the fact that she was physically about to expire. Nothing or no one can prepare anyone for death. Of course, I was in an ever changing spiritual state of questioning life and death back then. More importantly, where do souls go since we’re made up of energy? No Christian (my faith at the time) could tell me. Now, I realized that I didn’t properly mourn her death. 2013 was rough as hell! So much was going on…death, surviving undergrad/grad school, my break up, stress(which turned into me having alopecia in 2014), and navigating being a single mother.

Death really became a new beginning.

I was semi-suicidal and depressed. I was a foster child, so I already didn’t have my mom around for most of my pre-teen and teenage years. I debated killing myself several times. For what? I thought it would fix the pain, but I am glad that I realized I would be inflicting so much involuntary agony towards my family.  During this gloomy time, I stopped talking to family and friends. I dropped out of grad school…I felt too depressed to finish. I had heightened relationship issues with my kid’s father that seemed to magnify after her death. The issue was that I didn’t know how to properly mourn. Does anyone ever though?

Sad excuses because I’m supposed to be a big girl, right?

January through March 2013, I finally mourned her. I finally let go of the pain of watching her on a breathing machine and hearing that “death rattle”…that’s when your lungs fill with fluid. I let go of burdens dealing with her being in another city having to catch the bus in the rain, while being weak coming from dialysis. I regret that. I am literally shamefully sobbing right now. I was fucked up.  I fucked up! I was so busy living in another city, being a mom, being a live-in GF to a guy who didn’t seem to appreciate me (but shit, did I even appreciate myself?), graduating undergrad, going to grad school, trying to balance bills and be “grown”, and still travel up and down the highway to see her when her other kids couldn’t make it.

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Watching her life deteriorate before my eyes was by far the hardest shit I’ve ever had to go through. Sitting by her thinking of all those times I was a smart ass to her…thinking about all those times I could have hugged her, or came to see her more. Or hell, moved my kid’s father out and moved her into my home just spend a little more time with her.

I’ll tell you this…that woman was a Scorpio Rebel! Side note… she and my daughter’s birthdays are a day apart. She was supposed to share a birthday with my daughter, but the C-section didn’t go as planned and….she got on my nerves that day, so I asked God to not let my daughter be born on her birthday…ughh. Yes, I know petty. I am sorry mama.

Getting back on task here…

This heifer came on the Greyhound bus a year, or so prior…2 hours from our birthplace to TELL me (didn’t ask,) she was moving in with me….transferred her doctors and dialysis to move up here. I met her at the Greyhound station and told her she had to go back. When I look back, I question myself if I even deserved her love and affection she was trying to give me. She still loved me anyway and looked past all the bullshit that I was giving her. I was too focused on trying to work out that dead ass relationship with my kid’s dad over building another with her.  STOP RESURRECTING DEAD ASS RELTIONSHIPS! This random man told me, and I’ll never forget in that Greyhound station, that I will never get another mother and to treat her right.

Did I take his advice? No, it fell on deaf ears until she was on her death bed.

Fast forward to 2014 to mid-2015/2016….I began going overboard with the piercings, mostly, and tattoos. I was swimming in a puddle of pain…straight drowning actually. I love my tats and piercings… and I still believe its self-expression, but in reality, I was self-mutilating some pain away as well. Again, this was around the time of me exploring my sexuality and being a mistress as well(ending part of 2014 thru mid 2015… I was in a relationship…just needed to add). I was in a ton of emotional shit. Do you feel me? Now that I think about it, every time I was emotionally rejected through those months…I got a piercing. The over abundance of piercings really began to happen often in 2015…I have had/have just about all types of piercings 😉

Another side note…

I’m spiritually being nudged to tell you all about that time my mom came to visit me for Christmas. I had just revived that dead ass break up with my kids father, before the “big break up”, in 2011 going into 2012. I was pregnant with my son and my daughter was about 2 or 3…I treated my mom so bad. I was scared that I was pregnant, scared that I made the wrong decision to even have sex with him. God, I literally had a panic attack in the bathroom. Thoughts raced through my mind…”what if he leaves me” or “how am I going to finish college and work on $7.25 hour paycheck?” It was little the things that annoyed me during that time. God, I would like a do-over.

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Consistent cycles….

Every year…at the beginning of the year, I literally go through depression, suicidal thoughts, and now, anxiety. I have probably always had anxiety and just pinpointed what it was.

This year was no different. Only difference was that I hadn’t gotten any new piercings in 2017. I don’t have much left to pierce, truth be told. This year I broke down in my employers bathroom crying…walking back in and out of the office…to go unnoticed…that I was really battling with some emotions inside. I was fucked up, for a lack of a better statement. I had taken all that I felt I could take. I wrote my “tribe” a letter saying this is it. I’ll make a will and to please take care of my kids. Of course, being the kind family that they are…they reached out. I explained that I missed my mom, life is stressful, and my job is just shaky. I couldn’t leave anyway…who would be here to help heal others, or love on my kids like me, or even to be that optimistic person in a room full of naysayer’s and Debbie Downers? I have to stay. My mission would be incomplete.

Self-Evaluation…..

I finally realized what I was going through. It is called a “deathversary”. It is when you become emotional around the months that your loved one passed. My aunt helped me figure it out. I wasn’t crazy…this is normal behavior. Anxiety isn’t a joke. You’re one cry away from leaving your natural life at times.

Are you struggling too?

What has to be done…is that you have to doing something fun, or doing something in their remembrance around that time. For me, I’d probably get a massage somewhere to relax and be around people who care for my well-being…who can speak life into my situation and emotions. Say affirmations. Grounding yourself at the park in the grass…dig your feet into the earth. Hug a tree. Mediate in nature. We’re going to make it!

I am not alone. You are not alone. We are loved. We can overcome anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Mourning is natural. I talk to my mom out loud because I know her soul visits me. Her energy comforts me when I’m sad. That hell raising Scorpio wouldn’t ever leave me!

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The best thing to happen to me was being a mom to a silly Cancer boy and a little Scorpio baby girl. She is so much like me…and my mom. We’re all funny in a weird, quirky way. I’ll share this again…The night my mom passed; I was filling out her paper work to go into hospice. She wasn’t having that. She didn’t want to go in a place like that. That heifer died before she went into a hospice care center! LOL But…that night when I got off the phone with her doctor…I know I felt my mom’s spirit flow through me. I reached for my babies kneeling in the kitchen…hugging them so tight…telling them that I loved them. They couldn’t comprehend at that moment. I couldn’t understand what I was doing. She was telling me goodbye and that she loved me…and she always felt like my brother and I were my kids. So, now, as I write this and watch my 2 Peas as they rest…I get to look at them in amazement every night as they sleep in my bed…just thinking…damn, my mama looked at us the same way! That thought keeps me content.

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

“I give myself away…” :)

Hello Guys and Gals,

I left you adownload (1)ll temporarily, but i am back! Did you miss me? 🙂

I felt inspired for many reasons tonight/this morning, but one in particular was that this month, September, was the month I visited my mom in the hospital and about 5 weeks from the day that she passed away. This post is my update with her passing/depression/mourning/new life/ new thinking… yes it is that much!

At the beginning of 2013, I found myself at times very unstable and depressed because I had to find  a way to cope. I searched many sites and talked to many people, but I found for me that it had to be My process of how I was going to deal with it.

I fell into the deepest depression that i have ever felt. Know what pulled me out?

Meditating on the Word and praying to my God.

This is why i want to share this song at the bottom with you all because it came to me as I was trying to fall asleep moments ago. I had to give myself away so He could use me. My trials are not my trials alone, I share my experiences with others to give them the right words to hear when they experience my trials.

I still cry and mourn every now and then for her, but i pick myself back up with hopes that her memory never fades in my mind and that i meet her in the Spirit world when it is my time.

Back in March and April, I was still deeply depressed and going through relationship issues, but found my way back to the Bible, listening to gospel(I havent completely let go of my R&B and Neo Soul), and started thinking positive.

I’m better, but it’s a day by day process.

Today…I still “Give myself away…” 🙂

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

William McDowell “I give myself away” Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5rrrGYt5EY&list=PL7699D493C8165C21

Savor Precious Earthly Time

Dear Random People,

Well…. So much has changed since the last time you viewed my blog or post.

If you read my post in September “Our Journey with A Touch of Death” ( http://wp.me/p2o6zp-2l), everyone knows that i was openly discussing how sick my mother was with Stage 4 Lung Cancer and how she was in her last stages of dialysis as well. Besides being by her bedside for 3 consecutive weeks in August and September, my children and SO went to visit her again at the end of September. After we left, my mother got progressively worse and the doctors only took comfort measures, as i was told, to make life feel a little better. I tried countless times to call her, some failed and sometimes i could speak with her if she wasnt feeling so tired. The last time i spoke to my mother was October 9 as i was driving to Old Navy to buy a sweater for the fair later that night….Even with chaos and sadness, i was trying to have date night with my SO. I did get to speak to her as my uncle woke her up to talk to me. I told her “I love you” twice to make sure she heard me and she told me she loved me as well, but she had slurred speech and was very tired. For a moment i thought she had 2nd stroke, but i was wrong. Her body was shutting down at a constant rate now. I attempted to call her again on October 12 around 6:45 pm and 7:00 pm, after trying hard to call the days in between, but no answer from her in the hospital room. So, i called the nurses station and the nurse was discreetly warning me that she wasnt doing very good and that someone needed to come see about her. I kind of shrugged it off thinking i could wait at least a little longer until i could get more money, but time was not my side anymore. The doctor called me about 7:30 pm to tell me that my mother died a little before she called me. I was speechless. I felt like i could sense something going wrong because i started to think about her so much, my chest started hurting as i hugged my child. All i could tell him was i loved him before the doctor called me. I did what anybody would do and cried hard, then got myself together because i had to leave.

My SO, my kids, and myself rushed to the hospital( in another city). Usually the hospital only allows the body to be in the room for about 4 hours; they made an exception to me because i was traveling. When i saw her she looked the same sort of, but without soul. My aunts and uncles were there in the room to visit as well. Her body was cold and stiff, but i didnt even care. I would have hugged her lifeless if it meant having her back. I have never really been so close to a dead person and oddly enough, it didnt bother me to be around her. I even walked back into the room by myself to talk to her as her soul could only listen. Im grateful that my aunts came to see about her the day before she died. They gave her a bath, even when the nurses at the hospital would not, and fed her a little. Come to think about it, she left this world eating a pizza and drinking pepsi when we came to visit her in September after she told me that she would show me that she could order it against my wishes. 🙂

We buried her the following Friday. It was a long process that i never want to repeat again. I kept myself together at the wake until the end when the priest began to pray. I let myself go; I wanted her to come back to me so we can start over, spend more time together, and argue about her moving up here with me. The graveside services was the same, but a reality really setting in that she is not coming back to me. Im glad i had tons of family support and friend support on that day. It made me happy to see relatives that i havent seen in a while and one’s i had never met.

The one thing that gave me internal peace the most was when my friend, myself, and my uncle were standing some distance away from the grave diggers putting her body in the ground, this beautiful monarch butterfly came flying near me. My uncle said that it was my mother. Usually im a skeptic of things, but it happened again. The diggers were almost done with dirt process while we all stood about 5 feet away from her grave. The same butterfly came flying by my head again. I researched what all that meant and some say when this happens it is the soul of the departed person telling the grieving person that they are okay. I hope that was her and i hope what i read was true.

Since the funeral, I have had some strange things happen in my home. Just recently, i was alone in my room doing a class project and the hairs on my forearm stood up. Only in the spot and it almost felt like it was a touching sensation. Then, the next night, im sitting alone in the living room watching tv and out the corner of my eye my child’s sock literally jumps off the couch. I was a little shocked, but started to pray to God and asked if it was anything evil to rebuke it and spoke out loud to my mom that if it was her to not scare me, but to allow me to keep seeing the butterfly for the moment. I wasnt as scared as was before because im spiritually stronger before all this happened to me and now. My perspective is that death and even spirits are just a part of life.

I miss my mother so much and nothing in life can prepare you for this feeling and process. Im a planner by nature and thought even while she was sick i told myself that im going to toughen up and understand in my mind that she is going to die, while having this kind of stoic expression going on. I was grieving before she died because of the idea. All i can do now is miss her, listen to old voice mails, and watch videos of her doing the “tootsie roll” in the hospital bed. One thing for sure is that my mom had a sense of humor, strong will to live, and a will to do as she pleased because she told everyone she was not going in a nursing home- and she did just that.  That’s a tough woman!

Anyone who is out there with a sick parent and the prognosis is that they may not have long to live…..give them the foods that they want, spend time with them all day and night, pray with them them, entertain them, and most importantly love them and laugh with them because in the end you go back and wonder just how much of their precious earthly time you savored before they depart.

With all this being said…stayed tuned for new weekly, or even daily, post about me changing my health and doing something about my weight… 🙂

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

Our Journey With a Touch of Death

Dear Random People,

I have been on a blogging hiatus because my mother is very ill. I was straddling the fence on whether i would discuss what i have been going through or not.

About 3 weeks ago, I left my home to be at my mother’s bedside while she fought with death. Since my last post about her dialysis, she has been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, she caught an infection which they say turned into pneumonia. I left one day to have to come back to the hospital, to only find she was doing worse. The doctors didnt catch the fact that she had a stroke on her left side. After countless scans to her body, the results were that she did have a “big stroke” which left her paralyzed on her left side and 25% brain dead on her right side. I was trying to take a picture with her in case it was the last time i saw her living and realized that she couldn’t look straight at the camera or even smile. I was sad and angry at the same time.

I thought for sure that she was going out this world soon. The first week i came, i asked my mother if she had talked to her mother(my grandma who passed 2 years ago). Usually, i hear when people are about to die, they see loved ones. She said “no”. The second time i asked her was after she was recovering from her stroke. She replied that she had seen her mother, father, and sister. They apparently told her to go back because we were going to miss her a lot and her grand-kids would as well. I had to hide my tears, but she caught me crying anyway. My mom told me not to worry or cry, but that God said it was going to be okay. She smiled as if nothing was happening.

When i tell you that i was so stressed out, it has taken a huge toll on me. I had only four times that i could visit her in the ICU each day. In between those times i took care of my children. It was days when i wanted to pull my hair out and runaway..but i could not. The biggest affect was probably not on me, but my children. I had to say im going to the doctor for 3 weeks to my child and only to be asked “if i was coming back” and to be told “im not going anywhere”. It was humorous to have a almost 3 year old “tell” me, this grown adult, what to do, but saddening because my baby needed me too. It is the most challenging situation i have dealt with thus far.  Thankfully, I had great people surrounding me with words and prayers of encouragement. I give thanks for family and friends being there.

My mom is still terminally ill and fighting for her life, as she is in the hospital eating the wrong foods and STILL yearning to smoke(yes, i know, its unbelievable). She has a strong conviction to live. She is most certainly going through changes now(whether its her good days of doing the 90’s Tootsie Roll in the bed, or throwing a bowl of grits at the wall) and i have to remind myself she is fighting with death to be here just a little longer, even when she is really snappy with me.  I asked my God for a many things and he came through… Let my mom see/know that i graduated high school, college, had kids, to tell her good bye if she passed, to let her see her grand-kids if she passed, and now im just hoping she makes it to her 47th birthday this year in November.  I make sure it tell her i love her every time now.

I’m currently home adjusting and continuing to pray for peace as i understand im not only going through this for myself, but for someone else that will be in my shoe as well…  🙂

How did you deal with death or someone about to pass in your life? Let me know your thoughts.

As always Like me on Facebook(Random Mixed Chick) and follow me on Twitter @Randommixedchk

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

She had lots of love this day<3