My Child Called Me Old…What is “That” Anyway?!? Entering the “30” Club!

Damn…Kids say the darndest thing! <insert eye rolls> I’m not even going to lie…my poor, little heart sunk in my ass for a second….each…and…every…damn…time that I say, “Hey, I’m turning 30”. *Pulls braids* I’m not old, I reply, “I was in my early twenties when i had you….”

I’m not nervous about turning 30 the least bit. Want to know what I’m scared as hell about for real though?!?? Student…fucking…loans! Yep, my time is up. I’m on the fast track to  paying those “things” back ASAP. *groans* Can someone just GIVE me that exorbitant amount in a check already please? LOL

But, seriously…I’m excited. I can say I’m the real deal grown now…I wont seem like the baby out of the group… *Opens arms* I’m welcoming you 30!!

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Learning Moments….

I have learned that time isn’t waiting…do all the fun things that your heart has desired~ Live for you~ You can only control yourself…you can’t control BF’s, friends, or husbands/wives~People are going to do what you allow them to do~ Say no sometimes~ Help someone~ Do charity work to remind yourself of humility~Love on your kids or spouse!~ Take lots of bubble baths with wine…yes, lots.~ Research ideas and understand how it’s related to your life~ Take meaningful trips~ Have alone time~ Ladies, wait guys out sometimes…and experience a 1 night stand, if that’s your thing( we will all do it one day)~Tell someone when they are wrong and right~ Love and appreciate your parents or loved one’s~ Choose peace over chaos, but “knuck and buck” if you have too(“ain’t nobody got time for that”)~ Love yourself unconditionally~ Smile…you never know who is watching~  🙂

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My list is endless….

These are just some things i started doing later in my twenties, when i decided to stop living for other people and began to live for myself. I’m doing me and doing what I want. It’s so much more peaceful… 🙂

Can we get old together and rich in experiences? 🙂

What life lessons can you reflect on before entering the “30” Club?

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

 

Oracle Reading for “Piper”

4 Card Spread

I did this reading for a friend’s sister at the end of April…I am using it for practice with permission and using an alias, again.

Question: What are the drastic changes of feel coming?

Situation: A Blessing Woven in Time: woman hidden…barely exposed by the tree…protected by all its limbs…heart slightly exposed..not showing the world all of her…possibly because she’s hurt…the card is suggesting to go within…mediate..heal. near the heart there is a level hearts=love, people are here to protect you, go in isolation for a while to heal. You or others need peace with yourself.

Obstacles: Blessed Tranquility: Blue=peace, tree reflected on the water…self reflection…meditation…are you who you see on the inside? Imperfections…bumps on the branches of tree reflection, but not on the actual tree…can you heal, accept, and be at peace with self?

Recommended Action: A Blessing of Relationship: healthy, happiness,, 2 hearts, yellow= hope and happiness, all intertwined..grounded, connected, clarity…peace and support… path to oneness. This could deal with the love for a child or adult.

Solution: The Blessing of Oneness: Rod of Asclepius…nonvenomous snake winding up the tree seen in healing temples in Greek Mythology, rejuvenation, red, yellow , and green chakras. Red chakra-” The chakra colors associated with the root chakra is Red. The root chakra defines our relation to Earth. It impacts our vitality, passion and survival instincts. The red chakra colors are also indicative of our need for logic and order, physical strength and sexuality as well as the fight or flight response when faced with danger.” Yellow chakra-” The solar plexus chakra is the personal power chakra that is responsible for one’s personal and professional success. The chakra colors yellow of this energy vortex are associated with fire, energy, charge etc. This element of fire, when balanced and harmonious allows one to feel more confident, cheerful and energetic along with a right amount of respect for self and others. ” Green Chakra– ” This chakra influences our relationships and has the Air element. A weak heart chakra is responsible for sabotaging the relationships through distrust, anger and envy etc…”

Heal these chakras while in isolation and meditation is a successful to oneness! 🙂

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

Oracle Reading-“Ex-Factor”

“Why do I choose unavailable men?”

Heal and be healed.

I did this spread Thursday night and I’m writing about it now. When I think of my situations…I think of Lauryn Hill’s song Ex-Factor. Have you listened to the words? A constant struggle…loves but reopening of scars every time, but even better discovering you just simply need to let some shit go.  It resonated with me to the 10th degree. Loving someone so unavailable, but not being able to let go…even going to the extent of changing and accommodating. Even more, not being able to stay for you. Is that love?

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  1. Situation: “The Blessing of Endless Possibilities”- Woman grounded…fish around her…she’s the center of it all. It speaks to me, saying, be the Light. Don’t take it too seriously…Let go of things… keep your innocence and imagination.
  2. Obstacles: “The Blessing of Questions”-Tree rooted, but sways…leaves falling…confusion…Let go of what no longer serves you. Be Free.  I resonated with this card because I am solely a person of question… I question everything and then create different scenarios in my head about situations. This card plainly states, “Examine and identify any belief that stems from irrational fear.” My fears have been about self-worth, anxiety about things I can’t change, and above all, love (choosing to deal with my unavailability and dealing with men who are unavailable also, who can’t show me love at 100%). I have to let go of my fears of all of those things to be set free, so that I may attract the most positive things and be my best Higher self to receive those things.
  3. Recommended Actions: “A Blessing Woven in Time”- Rooted tree shedding leaves…rain equaling tears…change…no worries…speak the truth…my truth…burden lifted and blessing for me and all. Personally, I resonate with the message because I am blogging about my different experiences. They are normal experiences anyone would have, but none that anyone would be open and bold to be discussing. It has been on my heart that I can’t perpetrate…I have to be honest. I have to speak on my experience, to heal from my experiences. Then, everyone just might be more comfortable sharing and healing from their own experiences. In time is what the card says and “speak the truth and the burden will be lifted”. Self-sacrificing experiences isn’t for the faint-hearted, but I own every bit of it. I am on a mission to heal everyone!
  4. Outcome: “Your Blessed Power”- A woman represented…angel wings…heart….learning….growth…can do anything! Creator of things…blessing to the earth. I took the message from this card that I have the power to change my situation. When you know better, you do better!

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

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Ex-Hidden Easter Egg

Greetings Family!

I have been debating a few topics to add and post about, yet again. I battle a lot internally with judgement of others towards me…mainly based on society, yet I’m constantly reiterating “my experiences are meant to help others”. This is all true.

I was hesitant, but was pulled to this meme on Facebook on Easter day and if I would have been standing and emotionally in my feelings…my legs would’ve have buckled and i would have folded like a lawn chair…That’s how deep that meme was to me. I even sent the text to friends…like Bruhhhhhhhh… I was a damn Easter Egg…just blowed at how keen the analogy was. Quite humorous… I laughed..no lie. Hey, it is what it is.

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Keep in mind, several days prior I posted many status updates implying about my life(which are still my experiences) and how one could better themselves…and not walk the same path. It’s an emotionally draining path and it’s not for the faint-hearted at times.

 

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I own my past, present, and future.

 

So Fuck it. Here goes…. I was an “Easter Egg” a.k.a (side chick…gasp!) with a guy (let me fix that….some guys in my past…technically 5, if I’m going to be honest)

 

I’ve been meaning to hit on this topic for quite a while, but realized that it just wasn’t the right time. Timing is key, as you know.

 

I could write this post any type of way….and trust me, I have thought about it long and hard…and even consulted my “spiritual mother”, as I would call her.

 

Here it goes…..

 

 

Years ago, I was fresh out a long term relationship and desiring to be free and liberated. So, because I felt suppressed sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally that just fueled that desire.  I had the options to leave a relationship of 5 or so years, but was too insecure to leave. I came up with every excuse under the sun and moon as to why I couldnt leave. *eye roll* Now, I felt free to do whatever I wanted and with whom I wanted…and no one could tell me shit. I wasn’t in a relationship,so “I’m” not cheating nor am i hurting anyone. Dangerous place to be in, eh? Yes, I know.  Would I cheat on my boyfriend, or future husband? No. I say that because with all these gathered experiences I share with him…He either accepts me, or he doesn’t. Furthermore, I plan to marry my “best friend” and for me…that means he will be compatible to me in every area of our lives! We’re going to have fun!!! 😉

 

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Borrowed Pinterest Picture

 

  So……..

 

I met Rainy Day Guy #1 at work. Can’t remember all the details, but I know that I was attracted to him way before he even said he was married. Keep in mind, I had never in my life desired to do anything to break, or be in the middle of someone’s shit. It truly wasn’t how I was raised. Unfortunately, when you become an adult, you’re faced with lustful, immoral decisions at times. I was acting out of pure lust. We had sex several times, but I remember distinctly balling up in fetal position and feeling disgusted with myself for doing this with this man in one of those times…who I know only cared for me at least 10%.  I even researched ways to be a “side chick” because hell, in my mind, if I was going to do it, I might as well get something out of it…and what better way to commit to something by studying it. I was a novice, so it didn’t work so well. Rainy Day guy #1 eventually faded away. I vowed to not get entangled in this mess ever again.

 

Think I could resist….?

 

Next, we have Slick Talking Guy #2. He was fresh and smooth talking. I met him by chance off a dating site. I was enamored in how he had mental substance and he was funny. At this time, I was coming into my sexuality, likes/dislikes, and my tolerance of BS. He was open, it seemed, and accepted me for who I was.(probably so he could fill his desire). Yet, I was still hidden…like an Easter egg. Hindsight, I was still uncomfortable physically and emotionally, but I was using me coming into my new self as “courage”. I finally started checking myself…I finally started to feel what being “used up” felt like. I didn’t like it. It felt repulsive. What I truly wanted was affection after sex. I enjoyed cuddling and walking around butt naked…being free that way.

 

Yoo-hoo…..Self…are you in there? Is this really the type of shit you want to continue to attract?

 

The idea is that you are what you attract. If you keep doing dishonest things, then you will continue down that path and continue to attract low vibrating people of that nature. I, again, was a willing participant in someone’s cheating.

 

 

Holy Moly guy #3…..very interesting guy. I met him at his job on a day I felt that I looked like a mess. Yet, he still passed me his number…advancing his own cheating will upon me. I didn’t find out he was married until several text down the line. I was bold. I asked him questions about his wife….being nosey. My intentions at that point were to try to understand how the hell you could be married and desire to cheat? Don’t you marry your best friend? How do you lose desire for someone just like that? I, jokingly, suggested marriage counseling and he refused. He wanted me and the sexual advances and play on words got me. The thing is, is that they don’t lose desire fully to be with their partners. They just feel like they need some in addition to- ass. Some may have problems….I don’t know, but I was again, a damn participant later on-again!!!

 

I know you’re thinking…”damn, you aren’t tired of being used, or being a “whore”yet? Yes, yes I was.

 

Holy Moly guy was a conversationalist. Before we even delved into sex, we conversed about everything under the sun and moon. It seemed that we could talk at any time-the wife wasn’t a factor so much. Our conversation was sooooooo diverse. I longed for someone of substance who I can converse with. Our conversations literally looped for hours. I was told he couldn’t even talk to his wife that long….I wasn’t stupid to fall for that lie. However, it did appease my ego. Ego….it will get you in a lot of trouble. By now, I stopped feeling bad and taking on their feelings of cheating. I felt that they were going to do it anyway…why should I feel guilty? Now, as I look back, that wasn’t right. Yet, this was my experience.

 

 

#4……oh #4…we’re going to call him Pizza Guy. I’ve known Pizza Guy since college. We were supposed to have sex back then, but again, timing was off. He would have been the 2nd person I ever would have had sex with, but I was scared. #1 . That post breakup feeling you have after your “first love” will make you not want to move on. #2. I wasn’t use to a big*ahem* penis…just yet. I couldn’t handle that. What was I going to do with 7-8 inches of sausage?? Not a damn thing, I was scared as hell. We eventually ended up working together…still timing was off…he ended up being married several years later…and when he came to me in the present day…he conveyed to me that he was getting a divorce, moving out, blah blah blah…..Of none I really didn’t give a damn about. I knew what he wanted…I remembered back then what he was working with….I’ll leave that to your own imagination.

 

By now, I was in tune with feelings of others and their energies. The first time sex happened…just say it wasn’t what I expected. His energy was very jittery and all over the place. I knew in my mind…if I have sex with him….I’ll be taking on his energy too…do you really want that? Not really…But wait, of course I did it. Regretted it at the time. It just plain out and simple didn’t feel “right”. I lost communication after 2-3 times of interactions with him. He has tried to make a reappearance several times…I just couldn’t allow it.

 

                                    See the cycle…? It comes down to self-inflicting torture when going                                          through these experiences. Last, but not least…Mr. Fix It #5

 

Mr. Fix It #5 was different. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about worldly topics a lot and he always thought he was right about everything. Which tells me what is going on in the household. His wife more than likely over-talks him in arguments, so realistically you’re going to mimic the same behaviors with people on the “side”. It just is what it is. Deep down, I know this is a good guy who genuinely loves to help and be of some assistance.  He was always there for me and I believe would do anything for me. He showed me who I did and didn’t want in a man. Keep in mind, I was faithful to the unfaithful in these experiences…meaning… I was literally on the side to my lonesome every time. Talk about lonely ass feelings. I was in my feeling many days and nights because those lingering questions and thoughts arise. “How long are you going to do this for?”, or “He’s just using you, damn, stop falling for the game”.

 

My Ideal Mate….

 

I want a guy I can call at any time if I’m sad or happy about an event in my life. I want to make love to him at 2 am and fall back to sleep in his arms…roll over with funky morning breath…and say “good morning” to him. I want to have naked days on off days and “Netflix and Chill” his sexy ass All. Day.Long! I want to be able to fall into his arms when I have anxiety.

 

I can probably call Mr. Fix It to this day and in the future and he will fix anything I have going on around my home…and financially help me. Ive look at him sometimes and wonder if he’s happy…keep in mind, I am perfecting my skills of reading people off emotions. I often wonder if cheating for him will be a life-long “thing to do”.

 

In reality, none of them will ever leave their wives (I have never asked… I played my part). I often wonder about the wives…their intuition and history of staying ….and playing their part.

 

See, we all have a part. We all have a lesson to learn.

      “Life is the experience”. – Hathor Sekhmet El

 

Unfortunately, I had to keep learning mine…over and over again…like…5 times over again….

 

For men cheating… Are you really upholding your vows to your wives? Are you really being honest about your sexual likes and dislikes? Have you really sat down and listened to her…and maybe for a second thought to yourself…am I really considering her feelings…and not pushing them back in a box…? She’s not nagging…she’s hurt and wants change…how can I fix it?

 

 

For Women staying…Are you being honest with yourself and your partner about your likes/dislikes? Are you doing the same things to keep him as you were doing to get him? Stop using sex as a weapon. Your pussy, vagina, Yoni…it has great power, but don’t use it as a weapon against him. Communication? Can you converse and listen? You need to know too…You don’t deserve to accommodate any man if you have the slightest notion that he is messing up you all’s relationship. Know your worth. Know when to walk away.

 

For the Mistress/Side Chick/ Whore/Friend in the middle (…the list is endless)….Do you know your worth? Do you know that, you too, are a prized gift? Stop offering yourself and energy away so freely. Tame that little ass and meet a single guy, or if another setup is your thing…such as polygamy, open three-some’s or polyamory….no judgement to the different lifestyles, then rock that way.

 

I learned that married men can genuinely care for you, but never will take it to the lengths that some believe will happen…like leaving their wives, or giving you what you think you deserve. If they do, don’t consider yourself lucky, the same way that you got him, will be the same way that you lose him. That’s karma. It is what it is. You might get a few bills paid, a car, credit card paid off, jewelry, or clothing. The question is, is this really your worth? Are you going to accept being a willing participant? Are you going to adhere to certain hours that he can come out to “play?” I choose not to be faithful to the unfaithful.

 

I beat and battered myself long enough dwelling on this. Mostly because I have friends who make posts about “side chicks” and “hoes”…I think to myself, man I know you, but does the “amen choir”  you have known you? Being judgmental gets one nowhere. I was wrong for my behavior. I am not asking for forgiveness and I know I may be judged. I own my past, present, and future. I’ve always known had to go through experiences to help and enrich other people’s lives. I know what I want now and it’s unfortunate and moderately disgraceful to hurt other people along the way. So, being an “Easter egg”… hidden from the world is no different. It was fun while it lasted, but you have to get off that roller coaster ride at some point….

 

 

Peace and Blessings,

 

Random Mixed Chick

C H A N G E S| Journey

Hello Loves!

For those who know me personally, I am always speaking of changes and being on a Journey.

What is Change?

a :  to make different in some particular :  alter <never bothered to change the will> b :  to make radically different :  transform <can’t change human nature> c :  to give a different position, course, or direction to a :  to replace with another <let’s change the subject> b :  to make a shift from one to another :  switch <always changes sides in an argument> c :  to exchange for an equivalent sum of money (as in smaller denominations or in a foreign currency) <change a 20-dollar bill> :  to undergo a modification of <foliage changing color>

What is a Journey?

       1 :  an act or instance of traveling from one place to another :  trip
2 chiefly dialect :  a day’s travel 3:  something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another <the journey from youth to maturity> <a journey through time>
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I use to shy away from change, but now I embrace it…Never knew how to adapt to it, or at least never had the desire either.
By definition, I am on and have been on this Journey full of Changes since 2013…coming into my own person & sincerely knowing and loving me first.
The thing about change is, is that it can be invited, or it can just happen…when it just happens…it can be more uncomfortable. Being that uncomfortable can make you the best person that you’ve Never been.
So…since 2013-2014….I separated from a 5 year relationship…Began a relationship for several months in 2014-2015…it was different and fun…and i re-learned how to love and to be hurt…but i was able to simply apply it as a life experience and move on from that moment…and were still friends! I can call him whenever about anything ….2015…it had its challenges…my two loves started school(kids being kids…possible ADHD …post coming soon….) …Made some great friends along the way….this year taught me about existing friendships and taking inventory on those…You have to be with people who add value to your life and make you a better person…I experiemented with new hair styles and color…I’m loving the Red currently! I found that I actually Love EDM itself(get lost in the instrumentals y’all), Sango, Alina Baraz & Galimatias, Marian Hill, etc….I added 5 other piercings and 1 tattoo to my body…I also came out to some close family and friends(and now to the world 🙂 ) that I am Bicurious….not sure where that will lead to (its been made clear that you dont have to accept it because its my life), but i believe that you should be honest with yourself…and by being honest with yourself first, then growth occurs.Yay for Growth!! 🙂
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I believe that people live their entire life trying to please another human(s). My entire life, up until now, has been lived for someone else. How is that living, Or are you merely existing? To define your happiness based on someone elses’s life and values…For what reason(s)? For them to agree, validate, and like you more? You can be your normal self and you will still have people judge you. This Journey has taught me to judge less and to correct those who want to judge more.  Dont live you life full of regret and wishing that you could have done this ,or that…Just do it now! Of course, be within reason. We are never going to be perfect and we still may mess up, but at least we are conscious the next time that we want to be mean to someone because they seem different. Be Kind and do right by people, but dont apologize for who you are growing to be(positive of course).
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2016 will be Beautiful…judging less, more QT w/family and friends, loving myself even more, and traveling! I hope I see you on the way! 🙂
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(this is  constant reminder above, that i have in my bathroom for preparation daily, as I leave my home and set out on my Journey to be changed.)
Know & Love yourself so that you will know how to love others.
With so much Love,
Random Mixed Chick
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