Healers|Healing|Self Love Tarot Spread

Peace Family!

I had a wonderful self-love healing reading tonight with a client, but before I began I tested this new spread that i found on Pinterest out on myself…I was elated! Although only 5 cards….It’s bad-ass and packs a punch full of knowledge to help propel you on your journey.

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  1. Relationship to Self|The Fool~ It’s about Awareness….trusting self more, new beginnings,  a free spirit, intuition on point! Following my own mind…marching to the beat of my own drum even though others may judge or disagree…Im doing me! 🙂 How beautiful?! To me, it’s also about cycles of being here on Earth. you have these mountains, representing challenges….constantly questioning your preparedness for them, while you have the mist, representing Spirit in general, there for your protection on your journey.
  2. Admirable Qualities|Integration(Temperance in RW deck)~It’s about Verification…self creation…new life. Everything is interchangeable here and flowing together finally! You have the snake at the bottom of the card…” The Ouroboros has been said to have a meaning of infinity or wholeness.” It feels like a woman hovering over Mother earth with the Yin/Yang symbol speaking of balance….bringing about the pure and innocent qualities in the Swan and the strong minded and powerful male Eagle together….Represented as well…is the crystal on the crown chakra bringing so much clarity to life.
  3. Disowned Self|Rebirth~This is asking to get out of that lazy mode where your self satisfied, like the Camel, at the moment as if you have nothing else to do….there’s always more to be completed and healed. It’s okay to be content, but don’t let that evolve into a hinderance. Be like the mighty Lion..powerful, fearless, and a individual…which i know wraps back around to the Fool card…Be yourself…walk in your journey.
  4. Release|Thunderbolt(The Tower in RW deck)~Since it was in reverse..it speaks of avoiding of disaster, fear of change…and also fear of failing, to me. But, after the change(fire) there is always rebirth of new, fresh things. That’s when the awakening really happens! Meeting the process 1/2 is key. The lightning bolt is ridding the people of physical things more so spiritual…shedding old patterns.
  5. More Love to self|Celebration~ Water represented…meaning newness, freshness, rebirth…Wind meaning change, but a good change nonetheless because these 3 (my life path number) women represented are having fun and being carefree. The leaves are falling it seems in Fall/Autumn…which is about change and letting go, preservation, maturity, protection, and balance(integration card also).

Overall, My cards i pulled for self love was simply about Growth! If you aren’t uncomfortable, then you aren’t growing! 🙂

 

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Peace & Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

 

 

Lemons of Life

Im sitting here in my bed on this Sunday, simply looking over life, my weekend-as it is coming to a close, and how peaceful I am with my kids today. We’re all doing our own thing in the house today. Im blasting my Pandora track That’s What I Like by Bruno Mars and Erykah Badu….just vibing as a write! Loving these feelings. I have to think, I am so grateful. I don’t have much material things as the richest person, but I’m not “piss poor” as they would say in the South either. I’m so grateful that I can lay in a bed and even write this for you to read now. Amazing!

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I’m running my hands over these keys on the keyboard…thinking, damn I have been through so much stuff in my life. It went from alcoholic parents, parents fighting, ending up in DHR, navigating through foster homes and a group home, moving out of the system, graduating high school and college, having kids, resurrecting dead ass relationships, mother passing, my spiritual journey, and finding self-which is an adventure in itself! I made it through…I’m literally here….2 days shy of 30 years!

Those lemons of life could have broken me with their sour asses, but I made pink lemonade baby! I’m here and thriving!!

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Be encouraged. Find your path and know that those problems are only temporary…they are lessons. That’s it. It’s okay if you buckle a few times, but get back up! Don’t think no one else falls either…we’re all trying to make it. Know that you are loved! I love you!

 

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

Oracle Reading-“Ex-Factor”

“Why do I choose unavailable men?”

Heal and be healed.

I did this spread Thursday night and I’m writing about it now. When I think of my situations…I think of Lauryn Hill’s song Ex-Factor. Have you listened to the words? A constant struggle…loves but reopening of scars every time, but even better discovering you just simply need to let some shit go.  It resonated with me to the 10th degree. Loving someone so unavailable, but not being able to let go…even going to the extent of changing and accommodating. Even more, not being able to stay for you. Is that love?

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  1. Situation: “The Blessing of Endless Possibilities”- Woman grounded…fish around her…she’s the center of it all. It speaks to me, saying, be the Light. Don’t take it too seriously…Let go of things… keep your innocence and imagination.
  2. Obstacles: “The Blessing of Questions”-Tree rooted, but sways…leaves falling…confusion…Let go of what no longer serves you. Be Free.  I resonated with this card because I am solely a person of question… I question everything and then create different scenarios in my head about situations. This card plainly states, “Examine and identify any belief that stems from irrational fear.” My fears have been about self-worth, anxiety about things I can’t change, and above all, love (choosing to deal with my unavailability and dealing with men who are unavailable also, who can’t show me love at 100%). I have to let go of my fears of all of those things to be set free, so that I may attract the most positive things and be my best Higher self to receive those things.
  3. Recommended Actions: “A Blessing Woven in Time”- Rooted tree shedding leaves…rain equaling tears…change…no worries…speak the truth…my truth…burden lifted and blessing for me and all. Personally, I resonate with the message because I am blogging about my different experiences. They are normal experiences anyone would have, but none that anyone would be open and bold to be discussing. It has been on my heart that I can’t perpetrate…I have to be honest. I have to speak on my experience, to heal from my experiences. Then, everyone just might be more comfortable sharing and healing from their own experiences. In time is what the card says and “speak the truth and the burden will be lifted”. Self-sacrificing experiences isn’t for the faint-hearted, but I own every bit of it. I am on a mission to heal everyone!
  4. Outcome: “Your Blessed Power”- A woman represented…angel wings…heart….learning….growth…can do anything! Creator of things…blessing to the earth. I took the message from this card that I have the power to change my situation. When you know better, you do better!

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick

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Bag of Tears

Greeting Family!

I’m back again…like I said I would be with more blog posts! Last night, I shared with you all my Redemption and Self-worth post about being a mistress aka an “Easter Egg”.

This is going to be a heavy post because I have been sitting on these feelings for a while.

                                                                                So….

My mother passed in October 2012. Although I was there for her while she was ill, it still didn’t change the fact that she was physically about to expire. Nothing or no one can prepare anyone for death. Of course, I was in an ever changing spiritual state of questioning life and death back then. More importantly, where do souls go since we’re made up of energy? No Christian (my faith at the time) could tell me. Now, I realized that I didn’t properly mourn her death. 2013 was rough as hell! So much was going on…death, surviving undergrad/grad school, my break up, stress(which turned into me having alopecia in 2014), and navigating being a single mother.

Death really became a new beginning.

I was semi-suicidal and depressed. I was a foster child, so I already didn’t have my mom around for most of my pre-teen and teenage years. I debated killing myself several times. For what? I thought it would fix the pain, but I am glad that I realized I would be inflicting so much involuntary agony towards my family.  During this gloomy time, I stopped talking to family and friends. I dropped out of grad school…I felt too depressed to finish. I had heightened relationship issues with my kid’s father that seemed to magnify after her death. The issue was that I didn’t know how to properly mourn. Does anyone ever though?

Sad excuses because I’m supposed to be a big girl, right?

January through March 2013, I finally mourned her. I finally let go of the pain of watching her on a breathing machine and hearing that “death rattle”…that’s when your lungs fill with fluid. I let go of burdens dealing with her being in another city having to catch the bus in the rain, while being weak coming from dialysis. I regret that. I am literally shamefully sobbing right now. I was fucked up.  I fucked up! I was so busy living in another city, being a mom, being a live-in GF to a guy who didn’t seem to appreciate me (but shit, did I even appreciate myself?), graduating undergrad, going to grad school, trying to balance bills and be “grown”, and still travel up and down the highway to see her when her other kids couldn’t make it.

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Watching her life deteriorate before my eyes was by far the hardest shit I’ve ever had to go through. Sitting by her thinking of all those times I was a smart ass to her…thinking about all those times I could have hugged her, or came to see her more. Or hell, moved my kid’s father out and moved her into my home just spend a little more time with her.

I’ll tell you this…that woman was a Scorpio Rebel! Side note… she and my daughter’s birthdays are a day apart. She was supposed to share a birthday with my daughter, but the C-section didn’t go as planned and….she got on my nerves that day, so I asked God to not let my daughter be born on her birthday…ughh. Yes, I know petty. I am sorry mama.

Getting back on task here…

This heifer came on the Greyhound bus a year, or so prior…2 hours from our birthplace to TELL me (didn’t ask,) she was moving in with me….transferred her doctors and dialysis to move up here. I met her at the Greyhound station and told her she had to go back. When I look back, I question myself if I even deserved her love and affection she was trying to give me. She still loved me anyway and looked past all the bullshit that I was giving her. I was too focused on trying to work out that dead ass relationship with my kid’s dad over building another with her.  STOP RESURRECTING DEAD ASS RELTIONSHIPS! This random man told me, and I’ll never forget in that Greyhound station, that I will never get another mother and to treat her right.

Did I take his advice? No, it fell on deaf ears until she was on her death bed.

Fast forward to 2014 to mid-2015/2016….I began going overboard with the piercings, mostly, and tattoos. I was swimming in a puddle of pain…straight drowning actually. I love my tats and piercings… and I still believe its self-expression, but in reality, I was self-mutilating some pain away as well. Again, this was around the time of me exploring my sexuality and being a mistress as well(ending part of 2014 thru mid 2015… I was in a relationship…just needed to add). I was in a ton of emotional shit. Do you feel me? Now that I think about it, every time I was emotionally rejected through those months…I got a piercing. The over abundance of piercings really began to happen often in 2015…I have had/have just about all types of piercings 😉

Another side note…

I’m spiritually being nudged to tell you all about that time my mom came to visit me for Christmas. I had just revived that dead ass break up with my kids father, before the “big break up”, in 2011 going into 2012. I was pregnant with my son and my daughter was about 2 or 3…I treated my mom so bad. I was scared that I was pregnant, scared that I made the wrong decision to even have sex with him. God, I literally had a panic attack in the bathroom. Thoughts raced through my mind…”what if he leaves me” or “how am I going to finish college and work on $7.25 hour paycheck?” It was little the things that annoyed me during that time. God, I would like a do-over.

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Consistent cycles….

Every year…at the beginning of the year, I literally go through depression, suicidal thoughts, and now, anxiety. I have probably always had anxiety and just pinpointed what it was.

This year was no different. Only difference was that I hadn’t gotten any new piercings in 2017. I don’t have much left to pierce, truth be told. This year I broke down in my employers bathroom crying…walking back in and out of the office…to go unnoticed…that I was really battling with some emotions inside. I was fucked up, for a lack of a better statement. I had taken all that I felt I could take. I wrote my “tribe” a letter saying this is it. I’ll make a will and to please take care of my kids. Of course, being the kind family that they are…they reached out. I explained that I missed my mom, life is stressful, and my job is just shaky. I couldn’t leave anyway…who would be here to help heal others, or love on my kids like me, or even to be that optimistic person in a room full of naysayer’s and Debbie Downers? I have to stay. My mission would be incomplete.

Self-Evaluation…..

I finally realized what I was going through. It is called a “deathversary”. It is when you become emotional around the months that your loved one passed. My aunt helped me figure it out. I wasn’t crazy…this is normal behavior. Anxiety isn’t a joke. You’re one cry away from leaving your natural life at times.

Are you struggling too?

What has to be done…is that you have to doing something fun, or doing something in their remembrance around that time. For me, I’d probably get a massage somewhere to relax and be around people who care for my well-being…who can speak life into my situation and emotions. Say affirmations. Grounding yourself at the park in the grass…dig your feet into the earth. Hug a tree. Mediate in nature. We’re going to make it!

I am not alone. You are not alone. We are loved. We can overcome anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Mourning is natural. I talk to my mom out loud because I know her soul visits me. Her energy comforts me when I’m sad. That hell raising Scorpio wouldn’t ever leave me!

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The best thing to happen to me was being a mom to a silly Cancer boy and a little Scorpio baby girl. She is so much like me…and my mom. We’re all funny in a weird, quirky way. I’ll share this again…The night my mom passed; I was filling out her paper work to go into hospice. She wasn’t having that. She didn’t want to go in a place like that. That heifer died before she went into a hospice care center! LOL But…that night when I got off the phone with her doctor…I know I felt my mom’s spirit flow through me. I reached for my babies kneeling in the kitchen…hugging them so tight…telling them that I loved them. They couldn’t comprehend at that moment. I couldn’t understand what I was doing. She was telling me goodbye and that she loved me…and she always felt like my brother and I were my kids. So, now, as I write this and watch my 2 Peas as they rest…I get to look at them in amazement every night as they sleep in my bed…just thinking…damn, my mama looked at us the same way! That thought keeps me content.

Peace and Blessings,

Random Mixed Chick